Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Jurassic Park to be resurrected for fourth outing

STEVEN SPIELBERG announced, according to Natalie Finn at eonline.com, that plans for a fourth instalment of the hugely successful Jurassic Park series could be in development “...in the next two or three years”.

The Saving Private Ryan director is quoted as saying: “We have a story.”

Fans of the dino-rampage series will no doubt be pleased, as the franchise has been fossilised since 2001, but what is worth consideration is that — if the two previous lacklustre JP sequels are anything to go by — the emergence of a quality new movie could be as likely as a baby velociraptor hatching from an Asda scotch egg.

The original Jurassic Park (1993), based on the 1990 Michael Crichton novel, was a befittingly gargantuan box office smash, making over $919m worldwide.

The groundbreaking CG special effects used in the creation of smoothly animated, life-like dinosaurs gave audiences something they had never seen before, and they came in droves to see it, making Jurassic Park the highest grossing movie of all time in its year of release.

Currently, it stands at an impressive 18th in the IMDb all time list.

Two sequels were spawned: The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997) and Jurassic Park III (2001) with both doing relatively well at the box office (over $618m and $368m worldwide respectively), despite poor reviews.

A fourth movie has been mooted since 2001; however, several issues have kept it at an embryonic stage, with some wondering whether it should even be made at all.

A huge blow for the JP franchise, as well as the film and literary communities in general, came with the deaths of author Michael Crichton and visual effects legend Stan Winston, who both passed away in 2008.

The contributions of Michael Crichton Stan Winston were so integral that it was felt by some that it simply wouldn’t be right to continue without their expertise.

As reported by Silas Lesnick at comingsoon.net, when asked about a fourth movie in December 2008, producer Kathleen Kennedy said: “You know, when Crichton passed away, I sorta felt maybe that's it. Maybe that's a sign that we don't mess with it.”

Actor Sam Neill (who starred in the first and third movies) also expressed his doubts, when interviewed by MTV.

Without Crichton’s involvement, the chances a fourth movie having an engaging story seem pretty slim, as proven by the quality of the JP movie sequels diminishing with reduced influence from the author.

In 1997’s The Lost World: Jurassic Park, Steven Spielberg chose to tell an almost completely different story from Crichton’s 1995 novel. As a result, the plot was thin and predicable, and was padded out at the end with a farcical T-Rex frenzy in San Diego.

Spielberg’s self-indulgent touches made the end section of movie even more ridiculous: the Godzilla parodying, the spoof movie posters, and even the cameo from writer David Koepp getting nommed up good by the rex, showed clearly that the series had ‘jumped the shark’ (or megalodon perhaps, to be more appropriate) without the guiding hand of Crichton‘s source material.

Jurassic Park III wasn’t even based on a Crichton novel at all, and was rushed into production in August 2000 without a finished script.

The movie completely lacked depth, and simply played out like a series of chases and set pieces, with minimal development of the characters you actually cared about, like the returning Alan Grant (Sam Neill). There was also the satellite-phone-ringing-inside-the-Spinosaurus thing they did, and William H. Macy’s rubbish character (and I really like William H. Macy!), plus they killed off the T-Rex!

However, that story was nowhere near as terrible as one that "Moriarty" on Ain’t it cool News claimed writers William Monahan (The Departed) and John Sayles (The Spiderwick Chronicles) were working on for JP4, involving dinosaur/dog/human hybrids (kinda like ManBearPigs) being trained by a twisted corporation to use weapons.

If true, thankfully this idea, also reported by guardian.co.uk in 2007, was scrapped.

In an interview, quoted by Simon Kinnear on totalfilm.com, dino-effects creator Stan Winston said:
"Steven wasn't very enthused with the first couple of screenplay drafts. I think he felt neither of them balanced the science and adventure elements effectively.

"It's a tough compromise to reach, as too much science will make the movie too talky, but too much adventure will make it seem hollow."

It could be said that this ‘balance’ is what made the first Jurassic Park brilliant, and it is encouraging that Spielberg has been taking his time to find the right script that has this Crichton-esque formula.

  
Thor and I Am Legend writer Mark Protosevich is understood to be the man currently working with Spielberg on the new story, according to Jay A. Fernandez on hollywoodreporter.com

However, filling the void left by Michael Crichton isn’t the only problem facing the development of JP4, as the late Stan Winston’s work on the series has also been highly crucial to its success.

His Oscar-winning animatronic and puppet dinosaurs helped create some of the movies’ most memorable scenes, such as the T-Rex attack on the Ford Explorer in the first film.

Also, scenes such as the rex attack on the trailers in The Lost World, and the Spinosaurus attack on the crashed plane in Jurassic Park III, gave the sequels thrilling moments that helped to partly make up for their narrative failings.

A definite concern for a fourth movie is that without Winston’s irreplaceable mastery and passion, the park attractions may not be as charismatic or terrifying. 

Despite the doubts, there are things that would definitely make a fourth Jurassic Park film awesome.

Firstly, there have been huge advances in CGI since the last movie, and we would without a doubt see more elaborate and exciting action sequences.

Then there is also the fact that JP would be brilliant in 3D. 


When seeing the dragon in Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows - Part 2 bursting out of the screen, bellowing its scaly chops off, I couldn’t help but think how ridiculously good it would be to see the Jurassic Park T-Rex like that, with that iconic roar, right up in your face. Honestly, I would pay to see that alone.

Although Jurassic Park III was indeed terrible for many reasons, I’m not worried about director Joe Johnston returning for the fourth film, as it is believed that he will.

I felt that the Jumanji and Captain America: The First Avenger director did a decent job of shooting and executing the JPIII action sequences, but he was ultimately let down by the lack of a decent script.

So here’s hoping that Spielberg and Protosevich can match what will no doubt be a spectacular 3D dino-fest with an awesome, original, yet Crichton-esque script. Hold onto your butts!

Corrections and alterations:
November 2011
- Some of paragraph 19 was reworded and a hyperlink to the guardian website for the JP4 script story was added as a source.
-  The quotes in paragraph 1 were sourced to eonline.com, which was an existing hyperlink.
- A hyperlink and mention of comingsoon.net was added as a source of the quote in paragraph 11.
- A hyperlink and mention of hollywoodreporter.com was added as a source of the information on Mark Protosevich working on a JP4 script in paragraph 22.
January 12th 2012

- “In an interview with Cinemania magazine…” was removed  from paragraph 20 and was replaced with: “In an interview, quoted in totalfilm.com…”. Also, a hyperlink was added.
- A hyperlink and mention of Ain’t It Cool News has been added to paragraph 18 as a source of the John Sayles/ William Monahan JP4 script information, and the paragraph was reworded.
- The mention that Steven Spielberg himself scrapped John Sayles/ William Monahan script was removed.
- “US Government” was changed to “twisted corporation” in paragraph 18.
January 28/29th 2012
- Author names were added to some sources.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Everton FC 2010/11 Season Review


Image ©2010 Adam Wareing
So that’s it for another Premier League season, and another year gone by without Everton picking up a trophy or breaking into the Champions League elite. Many on the outside would look at the Toffees’ final position of seventh and argue that, taking the club’s resources into account, this is the best they could manage or hope for — indeed, Manager David Moyes has even argued something similar — but I for one disagree. I feel that, even with the current squad available, Everton could have done much better.

The pre-season had a flavour of quiet expectation and optimism. The strong finish to the 2009/10 campaign, and the return of many key players from long-term injury, gave the Goodison faithful some cause to believe that this could be an exciting season. Many thought the blues could bring home some long-awaited silverware, maybe challenge the top four, or even (perhaps laughably now) be dark horses for the Premier League title itself. However, it wasn’t long before this hope all fell to pieces, crumbling like the flaky pastry of a Goodison Park Scouse Pie.

The summer was unspectacular on the transfer front; a few free transfers and nominal buys were the only additions to the squad. Among the newcomers, League One goal machine, Jermaine Beckford, signed from Leeds United, was seen as a worthwhile punt: at worst he’d be a freebie fringe player or, in the best-case scenario, a potential Moyes ‘gem’ from the lower leagues.

The main fan-pleasing signings of the summer were of players already at the club, committing themselves to long-term contract extensions: Tim Cahill, Leighton Baines, Jack Rodwell, and (eventually) Mikel Arteta all signed new deals. The Manager had successfully kept the core of a formidable squad intact.

The close season, however, never goes smoothly for Everton, and this time there was drama involving Steven Pienaar and Dan Gosling. Pienaar, Everton’s 2009/10 Player of the Season, was stalling over the terms of his proposed contract renewal, and Gosling managed to find a loophole out of his own contract to join Newcastle United on a free transfer. The latter issue was one of many that, during the course of the season, would make many Everton fans lose faith in the board.

Everton began the season, in their opinion-dividing hot-pink and black strip, at Blackburn Rovers. The game played out in a way that summed up Everton’s early games: plenty of possession, a lack of cutting edge up front, and some poor concentration at the back. The only goal of the game came courtesy of a rare Tim Howard howler, after the American keeper somehow dropped the ball at the feet of Blackburn’s Nikola Kalinic.

The games that followed were equally frustrating: a late slip up against Wolves threw two points away, and a dominant, yet toothless, performance at Aston Villa yielded no reward, leaving the Blues floundering in the bottom three. After this, however, came the first of this season’s remarkable performances against the top sides, at home to Manchester United.

Steven Pienaar put Everton into the lead, but United hit back, stunning the Blues with three goals — two of which came either side of half time. The game looked to be heading for another inevitable United win against Everton in the Premier League era, until a magnificent fightback from the Toffees in the dying minutes. A Tim Cahill header sparked the revival, and a gorgeous right-foot volley from Mikel Arteta in stoppage time salvaged a point, which could well have been three had the referee not strangely blown for full time during a promising Everton attack.

The elevated optimism after this result, however, was swiftly quashed, as a home defeat to Newcastle, an embarrassing Carling Cup exit to League One Brentford, and a goalless draw at Fulham continued the misery, and left Everton rock-bottom of the Premier League.

The search for a win finally ended at Birmingham City, with a result that ended the Midlanders’ eighteen game unbeaten home record. Everton took the lead fortuitously through a own goal from City defender Roger Johnson, who turned in Leon Osman’s low cross. The win was sealed late on when Tim Cahill added a second.

October continued to prove a fruitful month for the Blues as they followed up the Birmingham result with a first home win of the season against local rivals Liverpool. The Reds had also started the season badly and, after some inept performances from the team, the pressure was beginning to build on manager Roy Hodgeson.

Everton dispatched the Kopites with an assertive and slick display. Tim Cahill continued his excellent scoring form with a goal in the first half, and Mikel Arteta doubled the lead with a strike from the edge of the penalty area. The Blues’ back four also put in a solid shift, comfortably handling Liverpool‘s late surge.
A draw at Tottenham and a win over Stoke saw the Blues move up to seventh in the table, but inconsistency once again crept in: An exciting 2-2 draw at Blackpool showed character, and was a hard earned point in the end, but the result again further demonstrated Everton’s inability to beat weaker sides.

Yeeeeerse! The Toffees bounced back from three consecutive derby defeats.
Image ©2010 Adam Wareing
More points were squandered, and some good chances missed, against Bolton where a goal from substitute Jermaine Beckford was needed in the final minute of the game to rescue a point for the Blues. It was Becks’ first for the club, and was a sweet, curling strike from just inside the area.

The inconsistency continued, as a poor performance and defeat at home to Arsenal was followed by a credible fightback and draw at Sunderland. Then came one of the real low points of the season: a 4-1 thrashing by promoted side West Brom at Goodison Park. Everton once again paid the price for missing chances, and were stung by some clever counter-attacking play from the Baggies. The Blues’ frustration also began to boil over as Mikel Arteta was sent off for stamping on Gonzalo Jara. Some doubted whether Moyes would remain in his job after this result.

Moyes persevered, and December saw the Blues gain a couple of decent results. However, a stout draw at Chelsea and a terrific battling win against Manchester City were dampened by disappointing draws against struggling Wigan and West Ham.

January came and once again Everton fans had to face the harsh truth that no money was available to David Moyes to significantly improve the squad. The Goodison boss had hoped that he would be able to operate in the loan market, but there were no top players available who could fit into Everton’s tight wage structure. In fact, such was the increasing burden of the wage bill that Everton had to let several players go out on loan. This included strikers Yakubu (to Leicester), and James Vaughan (to Crystal Palace), and while both players hadn’t exactly set the Premier League on fire, it seemed risky business given Everton’s lack of attacking threat up front.

A further blow came with the departure of hardworking, crafty midfielder, Steven Pienaar, who left the club for Tottenham Hotspur for a small fee. Since the South African international had only six months remaining on his contract, the club were forced to sell rather than risk losing the player for nothing in the summer.

The cutting of the wage bill, and Moyes’ inability to bring in even any loan signings meant that rumours were rife that the club had gone into financial meltdown; many were speculating that administration could be just around the corner. What also didn’t help matters was the delayed release of Everton’s accounts.

The accounts made grim (but not catastrophic) viewing, showing that the club’s overall debt had risen to £44.9m. Everton’s chief executive Robert Elstone described the accounts as “healthy”,in a report by David Bartlett on liverpooldailypost.co.uk, but fans were concerned by the fact that the accounts were only a representation of the previous financial year, and that the current situation may not be so healthy. Sadly, it is believed that player sales during the summer of 2011 will again help to keep the club afloat.

On the pitch during January and February, Everton’s form continued to be sporadic. A good win over Spurs at Goodison Park, a thrashing of Scunthorpe in the FA Cup, and a decent draw against Liverpool at Anfield, were in sharp contrast to a 2-0 defeat at Stoke City, and another late escape, against West Ham. Marouane Fellaini lashed home a stoppage time equaliser to make it 2-2. Also, during January, the Blues were weakened by the absence of Tim Cahill, who was representing Australia at the Asian Cup.

During these months, Louis Saha found some fitness and form, which included helping himself to a four goal feast in a 5-3 victory over Blackpool. The Blues managed to come from 3-2 behind in this game, after having lost a 2-1 lead! Saha also scored a controversial goal at Arsenal, in a game that saw Cesc Fabregas allegedly accuse the referee of being bribed by Everton, much to the annoyance of David Moyes.

Moyes’ had further problems during February, however, as his team crashed to a limp 2-0 defeat at Bolton. The result meant that the Blues were still dangerously close to the relegation places, in a tight bottom half of the table. The Glaswegian described the defeat, in a BBC interview, as “one of the worst…” he’d seen in his nine years in charge. However, the team responded well to this in their next home league fixture with a professional and clinical win over Sunderland. There was a downside though, as influential midfielder Marouane Fellaini picked up an ankle injury that would end his season.

Also over January and February, Everton were pitted against Chelsea in the Fourth Round of the FA Cup, and the tie proved to be an enthralling tussle. The first game was drawn 1-1 at Goodison Park, and the replay at Stamford Bridge played out to extra time without a goal. Chelsea eventually made the breakthrough after Frank Lampard put them ahead after 104 minutes, but Leighton Baines equalised for Everton with a sweetly taken free kick a minute from the end. Everton edged the tie after a tense penalty shootout, with captain Phil Neville scoring the final pen, to set up a Fifth Round clash with Reading.

In typical infuriating fashion, Everton lost the Reading game. It was one of the worst displays from an Everton side in recent years, and the visiting mid-table Championship side looked better in every department. They won the game through a well-taken strike from Lee Mills on 26 minutes, to which Everton had little response.

Following the cup exit, the Toffees responded with a decent run of six games unbeaten during March and April, which included a brilliant comeback win against Newcastle, with Leon Osman and Phil Jagielka bagging Everton‘s goals.

The run meant Everton were beginning to climb the table, and thoughts of Europe began to re-emerge, but injuries to key players began to mount up. Fellaini was joined on the injury list by Tim Cahill (foot), Phil Neville (hamstring) and Mikel Arteta, who would be out for some time, after pulling his hamstring in the 1-1 draw with Birmingham City.

The Blues’ injury woes continued as Louis Saha’s season ended in the final minutes of the 2-1 victory over Fulham. The Frenchman had an eventful game, getting on the scoresheet against his former club, and having a number of chances, but the day ended badly as he was stretchered off after an awkward fall on his ankle.

Goal line technology was the big debate after the 2-2 draw with Villa at Goodison Park in April, when Jermaine Beckford’s strike hit the bar and appeared to cross the line, only for the referee to rule it out. One goal that did count was Leighton Baines’ 83rd minute penalty, which was necessary to get the Blues out of hot water and rescue a point. It had also been another game the Blues had dominated but failed to win.

There was far more joy at Wolves, whom Everton should have beaten earlier in the season. Beckford opened the scoring, and then the Toffees were treated to two of their goals of the season: firstly a rare beauty from Phil Neville and then an absolute screamer from the enigmatic Diniyar Bilyaletdinov. The performance of Leon Osman was also notable in this game, as 'Ossie' seemed to flourish with the added responsibility of being Everton’s creative outlet in midfield.

That win was followed up by a 2-0 victory over a very poor Blackburn side, who were beginning to seem like real relegation candidates. The first half was drab and lacklustre, but the Blues’ goals came in a much improved second half, with an Osman strike and a Leighton Baines penalty securing the points.

Everton then faced a daunting trip to title-chasing Manchester United at Old Trafford; however, the Blues were in good form, and were encouraged by some decent results against the top sides. The Toffees were extremely negative though, and offered little in terms of attacking potency. United punished Everton’s deep lying defence seven minutes from time with a headed goal from Javier Hernandez. This result and the 1-1 draw at Wigan Athletic crushed Everton’s faint hopes of sneaking 5th place and European qualification.

The Toffees next faced Manchester City, whom they held a fantastic record against in recent games. City were chasing fourth place in the league, and Everton fans could be forgiven for feeling some envy towards the visitors, as they were having the success, and had a level of finance, that the hosts craved. However, despite the financial disparity, the Toffees more than held their own and, after a shaky start, and a little luck, managed a very admirable comeback.

Yaya Toure gave City the lead on 28 minutes and, after City missed a few chances to increase their lead, Everton grew in confidence and equalised through Sylvain Distain, scoring against his former club. The focus had been on City’s Joleon Lescott, returning to Goodison for the first time since leaving Everton; however he never looked like troubling the Toffees during his nervy performance. Leon Osman continued his fantastic late season form by scoring a brilliantly executed and committed header to win the game.

The season ended with polar opposite results and performances that summed up 2010/11 perfectly: A poor 1-0 defeat at the Hawthorns to West Brom, was followed by a combative 1-0 win over Chelsea and, in the final game, two of the season’s star performers endured contrasting fates: Young Player of the Year Seamus Coleman was sent off for two clumsy challenges, while the ever-improving Jermaine Beckford scored a well earned and clinically taken goal.

It seems that the Blues have preferred the challenge of playing the top footballing sides this season and, with the exception of the two Arsenal fixtures and Manchester United away, have gained some decent results in those games. It’s been the smaller and mid-table teams that have been the side’s undoing, with plenty of draws and defeats against sides that, on paper at least, Everton should beat.

The Blues often dominated possession in games this season, and that is to the credit of David Moyes’ more expansive tactics and improved coaching methods for ball retention; however, more improvement needs to be made on incisive play in the final third.

Many Evertonians believe that the lack of bite comes from the formation. Moyes regularly employs a 4-5-1, or 4-4-1-1, leaving options light upfront. An argument in favour of this is that Moyes is playing to his side’s strengths: Everton aren’t a side blessed with any real pace upfront, or a great deal of guile in midfield, and mainly have to work the ball around their opposition into crossing areas to create chances.

4-4-2 has worked quite well at times this season, and a Saha/Beckford front two looked promising, but the regular absence of injury-prone Louis Saha has meant that that option has been limited.

With regards to individual performances, there have been some solid, consistent displays from Sylvain Distin, Phil Neville, and Phil Jagielka, and Tim Howard — who bounced back from his early season blunder to make some vital saves in big games. Tony Hibbert has had one or two bad games, but has mainly done a decent job when called upon.

Mikel Arteta has mainly struggled for form due to injury, but also joins John Heitinga as someone who hasn’t befitted from being played out of his best position. The Basque looked far better when played out wide, a position which Moyes will hopefully employ him in more next season. As for Heitinga, he has looked lost and clumsy in central midfield, but composed and solid when played in his best position of centre back.

Diniyar Bilyaletdinov, despite some fantastic goals, has been poor this season and has had a tendency to drift out of games. Another player who has certainly not impressed at times is Victor Anichebe, His poor control, low confidence in his ability, and lack of goals has had many Evertonians questioning the decision to offer the youngster a lucrative new contract. However, after a run in the team, and a goal in the reserves, the Nigerian international began to improve, and his bustling figure has provided a tactical benefit in certain games.

Louis Saha, Tim Cahill, and Marouane Fellaini have at times been excellent, but have all at some point had their seasons disrupted by injury. Jack Rodwell’s season was also blighted by injuries which meant he never really had a chance to keep a place in the side. However, the injuries for many key names allowed certain fringe players the opportunity to shine. This includes Leon Osman, who stepped up to the plate admirably late on in the season with some mature and skilful displays. Also during this time, youngsters Magaye Gueye and Apostolos Vellios were both given runouts and have both shown some promise.

Jermaine Beckford has begun to adapt well to the Premier League, and will no doubt continue to improve next season, as will exciting young Irish international Seamus Coleman, who has provided some pace and unpredictability to Everton’s midfield.

One player who has been outstanding through the entire season has been attacking full back Leighton Baines. The club’s Player of the Season has provided a great deal of assists, along with goals from free kicks and penalties. Due to his excellent form, Baines has cemented his place in the England squad as Ashley Cole’s understudy; however, many believe (including myself) that Baines has now superseded the Chelsea man as the country‘s top left back. Baines has already been linked with a number of top clubs, and the Blues will have a tough challenge keeping hold of him this summer.

One person who will be staying, however, is manager David Moyes. According to Skysports.com, he has confirmed his desire to remain at the club next season which means, for this summer at least, the club will avoid major upheaval at management level. There are some fans who resent this stability, and would see Moyes’ departure as welcome change, but such change in my opinion represents too great a risk for a club with Everton’s resources. A new manager could make some massive mistakes and buckle under the pressure of working on a shoestring budget. As things stand, the Blues have the best man for the job.

Without a doubt money plays a huge part in football and gaining success on the pitch. Some would argue that this has always been the case, since Everton themselves were once considered a rich, affluent club, known as the ‘Mersey Millionaires’. But a millionaire owner isn’t enough anymore; this is the era of the billionaire benefactor, who will plough hundreds of millions into a club without any care of ever getting a return. Everton don’t have a billionaire to call on, nor does one look likely to emerge soon, and this unfortunately means that there will be no quick fix to get to the big time. The club claims that it is for sale, but some Evertonians are sceptical. Either way, for the time being at least, the club’s current financial predicament looks unlikely to change.

Many fans have lost faith in the current board, not just for the lack of investment in the team, but also through a series of failures to advance the club’s off field prospects. The well documented collapses of the King’s Dock and Destination Kirkby stadium projects could well be joined by the recently proposed £9m development in the Park End, if the rumours of important partners pulling out are true.

It looks like the Blues will remain at Goodison Park for the foreseeable future.
Image ©2010 Adam Warein
These issues have left many fans either apathetic or angry. Some supporter groups such as the KEIOC and Evertonians For Change are seeking more transparency and honesty from those in charge of the club, as well as assurances that the club’s future is safe. The growing fan anger toward the board may further intensify this summer if David Moyes is forced to part with some of his best players to balance club’s the books.

However, if David Moyes can keep his best players and generate some transfer cash from selling fringe or under performing players then there is still some reason for the quiet optimism from last summer to return. There is a very talented core to Everton‘s squad, and because of this the 2010/11 season promised so much. It's a shame things didn’t get going until it was too late.

As I mentioned earlier, it has been the results (mainly draws) against the smaller and mid-table sides, and the consistent failure to turn dominance into victory, that meant Everton were unable to compete with the big teams in the league table. However, the Toffees did compete with those sides on the pitch, and this shows that, had those big games been backed up with points taken from the lesser sides, Everton’s current squad really could have finished among the elite.

Corrections and alterations:
December 2011
- A BBC interview is now mentioned as the destination of the existing hyperlink on the David Moyes quote in
Paragraph 22.
- The figure thought to be Victor Anichebe’s weekly wage
has been removed from paragraph 41 as no official source could be found. The paragraph has been reworded and the contract he signed is now only described as “lucrative”.
January 12th 2012
- A  hyperlink to a Liverpool Daily Post story was added as a source for Robert Elstone’s quote about the EFC 2010 accounts in paragraph 19 . 
January 29th 2012
-“Allegedly” was added to information about Febregas comments for clarity.
- Some hyperlinks were removed through being unnecessary or broken.
- David Bartlett was added as author of liverpooldailypost.co.uk article. 

-30/01/2012 -  The Paragraph 19 figure was changed from £45m to £44.9m for accuracy. 

Thursday, 14 April 2011

THE END OF THE WORLD…of Warcraft (for me)

About two weeks ago, I decided it was time to leave Azeroth, the fantasy setting for the online video game World of Warcraft. I chose life.

The time-gobbling MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Role Playing Game), which has over 12 million subscribers, according to forbes.com (more than the entire population of Greece), has taken hundreds of hours of my life, and after nearly three years of levelling, questing, gearing and rocking the ‘/dance‘, I just couldn‘t ignore the glaring pointlessness of it all anymore.

I appreciate that we all do things with our time that aren’t exactly beneficial to humanity — or really even of any benefit to ourselves (such as measuring your penis with dental floss, or watching Snog Marry Avoid?) — but, in most cases, we do such things in the (mostly vain) pursuit of entertainment. For a good while, the World of Warcraft (a.k.a WoW) was, in my early days at least, a wonderful, rewarding experience. Discovering the beautifully realised fantasy locations, uncovering the world’s lore, levelling up my character and unlocking new spells all gave me a buzz, but that was before the endless, hopeless, grinding (which I shall discuss later), and my encounters with the utterly odious ‘ROFLGOBLS‘.

Beautiful locations and cool beasts are commonplace in the World of Warcraft.
Image ©2004 Blizzard Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. World of  Warcraft, Warcraft and Blizzard Entertainment are trademarks or  registered trademarks of Blizzard Entertainment, Inc. in the U.S. and/or  other countries.

Now, for those of you who aren’t familiar with the term ‘ROFLGOBL’, you can be forgiven, as it doesn’t really exist. I made it up. It’s a word I concocted to define a particular type of douchebag you may encounter whilst playing World of Warcraft. It’s a compound word don’cha know, comprising the netspeak acronym ‘ROFL’ (Roll On The Floor Laughing) and ‘GOBL’, like ’gobble’, the Turkey sound.

Don’t get me wrong, for the most part WoW is a friendly, helpful and approachable community; however, there are ROFLGOBLs abound. To clarify, the ROFLGOBL is a type of infuriating, socially inept gamer who flings around puerile insults in a hideous mishmash of netspeak and misspelling. They take the game far too seriously, focus heavily on statistics, overuse the word ’epic’ to a point where it loses all meaning, and use the words ’win’ and ‘fail’ as adjectives, like big repugnant twats. These are the types of morons who make you feel like you’re Dan Ashcroft from the TV show Nathan Barley, surrounded by deluded idiots spouting retarded buzz words. The ROFLGOBL is so deeply insecure, and thoroughly aware of their insignificance, that the only way to drown out the self loathing is by declaring that someone else is an ‘epic fail’. In reality, however, it is they who are failing at life very miserably.

Now, I’m aware that there are twats everywhere, but the World of Warcraft is designed in such a way that you may need to interact with, and even sometimes co-operate with these people to progress. When the in-game Dungeon Finder places you randomly into a group with them, and it’s a dungeon you really need to do, they can be unavoidable. This can be particularly annoying when these encounters are part of another problem with WoW, the grinding.

Now, when I say ’grinding’ I’m not referring to the rhythmic rubbing of your crotch or arse against something or someone, nor Bruxism of any kind. As fun those things are, I’m instead talking about the practise of ploughing hours of your time into repetitive, monotonous tasks in order to gain something rare or beneficial. It will be something like: kill 80 Jabberballs Walruses every day for 21 days to gain the Epic Slinky Sword of Erectile Hyperfunction, which gives you +200 thrustmagic. Yeah!

This concept is nothing new, indeed grinding is commonplace in many game genres these days, not just RPGs (Role Playing Games), so I accept it as part of the territory. However, my problem is when you, as a regular non-obsessed player of the game, encounter a group of ROFLGOBLs who have ploughed hours of their lives into obtaining ridiculous performance-boosting items that then become the standard. Co-operation becomes near impossible as they begin to spew out endless garbage, giving you absolute hell for not meeting their beefed-up performance ratings. The percentages or amounts they gripe about are usually very small (most likely like their genitals), and often the need for conflict is unnecessary, as the task at hand (progress through a dungeon) is usually being comfortably handled. Yet they still feel the need to make themselves feel better for wasting their lives away. Anyhoo, I’m done with those fools. Rant over.


My Undead Warlock and my girlfriend’s Blood Elf Mage. Crossdressing is a huge part of the game (honest).
Image ©2004 Blizzard Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. World of  Warcraft, Warcraft and Blizzard Entertainment are trademarks or  registered trademarks of Blizzard Entertainment, Inc. in the U.S. and/or  other countries.

I will miss my game characters though. That’s been the biggest drag about cancelling my subscription, and it’s most likely the biggest thing that prevents many people from cancelling theirs. It’s the attachment and investment, the time and the care. You customise, hone, cloth, and feed your character, you take them travelling to cool places, watch them develop and learn skills. It can almost become like a bond with a child or a pet. But the truth is, really, they aren’t yours. Blizzard Entertainment has your child locked away, and you can see him or her for 9.99 Euros per month. It’s a ransom that, I’m afraid, I’m no longer prepared to pay. Sorry kids. Please be gentle with them, Blizz *sob*. Muertoplague likes his Moonberry Juice just before his ‘/sleep‘ *sob*.

 Well I had some fun playing WoW, but now I have nothing to show for my three years. In the real world I managed to get a degree in that time! Well, at least I’ve learned that life is a valuable, precious thing not to be wasted. Hmmm, that Rift looks quite interesting (that’s a jokey heheheho).

I promise my next blog entry will be less geeky.

Alteration:
December 2011 
- The mention that game had 12 million subscribers was sourced to forbes.com with a hyperlink.

Sunday, 13 March 2011

Post-osuchus

Last week, for my 27th birthday, my girlfriend gave me a super awesome Dinosaur encyclopaedia called The Dinosauria. It’s well good.

Essentially a comprehensive reference text for Palaeontologists and students, The Dinosauria is about as thick as two phone books, and is written in such a technical way that it occasionally makes me feel like a frustrated chimp. However, after much screeching and excrement throwing, I am able to remind myself of how an intelligent, well-evolved creature should behave, so I consult a dictionary in a civilized manner, and reward myself with a delicious banana.

The Dinosauria goes into immense detail about the clues regarding dinosaur behaviour and biology. My 2004 second edition also confidently pushes further the now widely accepted idea that small Theropod (‘real chickeny like‘) dinosaurs eventually evolved into modern day birds. So remember, Polly doesn’t actually want a cracker. She wants to eat you and everyone you care about.

New Dinosaur discoveries are unearthed all the time, such as the bizarre single-fingered Linhenykus, (or Mega-nipple-saurus, as I like to call him) found in January this year, so the fact that The Dinosauria is now seven years behind may make it seem extinct. However, it is clear that no better complete work currently exists on the subject of Dinosaurs.

Unfortunately — unlike my other favourite literary works —The Dinosauria contains no pop-up sections, nor any big colour pictures. Instead, the analyses of the scaly/feathery buggers are often aided with classy, indisputably accurate diagrams, depicting their proposed scale, posture and locomotion. There are also some intriguing closer looks at the various taxonomy groups’ unique anatomical features.

Yes, I am a massive nerd, I know, but I’m going to enjoy reading this bad boy. I do lovez me dinosaurs. Raar!